Roundup of all the week's soap news

Janine faces police in the Square, Karen clocks Trace, Val beds a brace in Emmerdale, and Mandy struggles on in Hollyoaks.

00:01 20 March 2004

EastEnders

It has been another busy week in Albert Square with the matching and dispatching of unlikely, and unsavoury, couples. Following Sharon and Dennis's return from holiday, the incestuous love-birds tried to woo poor Vicki back into the family fold. The angst-ridden tearaway teen was not to be swayed and continued to denounce the weird couple as "freaks". How could she say that? They're her brother and sister after all. Has she forgotten the meaning of faaamily along with her American accent? Kids these days.

So, having rapidly forgotten about their erstwhile sis, the courting couple procrastinated over whether to tell the locals of their illicit, sordid affair. After much umming, arrrhhhing and wild eye movements from the versatile actress, they finally declared their love over a cheeky, if not lengthy (enough now) snog in the most discreet of watering holes, The Queen Vic. Needless to say the residents of Albert Square, most of whom luckily seemed to be having a swift half at the time, took it in their stride and didn't raise an eyelid. They're an understanding bunch.

Elsewhere, as one unlikely couple matched, another dispatched as the truth surrounding Paul's illicit and sordid affair with Janine became apparent to the unsuspecting, uninspiring Nat. On the cusp of moving in to the luxurious B&B with her lover, the single mum, bub in tow, heard an incriminating answer message from jealous Janine. Very convenient. The lying Lothario confessed all but was spurned by his dead best-mate's ex-wife who shut him out of her life for good.

In the cliff hanger of the week scheming Janine has been carted off to the station by three lovely police men. What they know is anyone's guess - but all signs point to Paul as the grass. We'll have to wait 'til Monday to find out though.



Coronation Street

Well, more lies, secrets and babies down on the Street this week. Evil bunny boiler Tracy has been causing mischief by pursuing Steve for maintenance for his illegitimate child. Intent on causing a rift between the cabbie and his missus, the wicked witch stormed round to his flat to demand 50 a week. Reluctantly he agreed but in walks Karen and she's always got a cross to bear that one.

Things went from bad to worse as she found out that Trace tried to sabotage her dream wedding. Most of us would have thought that fairly obvious considering the ceremony was invaded by Tracy bearing secrets and revelations galore, but the oblivious Karen vowed revenge.

She marched to the baby's christening and laid a mean right hook into the chops of a stunned and humiliated Barlow. That pair should keep away from religious buildings altogether. Not a match made in heaven.

In the meantime irritating pushy mum Sally was stunned when her daughter "Rawzie's" star turn in a school play of Grease was not the focus of Ken's sterling review in the Weatherfield Gazette. Stop the press. With a grease-monkey mechanic of a father and a moaning, droning drip of a mother, it is unsurprising.

Elsewhere, serial teen-mum Sarah was overjoyed following the discovery that she was expecting a baby boy. Oh joy, could this be another bastard baby on the way? They make great actors.



Emmerdale

Emmerdale has acquired a new village bicycle with the arrival of dominating Diane's sister, vivacious Val. This week she managed bob from bed to bed by sleeping with two of the village's most prolific (and only) bachelors whilst keeping her indiscretions a secret from the rest of the village. That certainly won't last long, especially as she dropped a bombshell by revealing that she bagged her sister's then-husband Rodney when she was a wee nipper at 18.

Antique Rodders bedded her once more, unaware that she was also pursing antique-helper Danny. In scenes that were somewhat harsh on the eye, Val managed to seduce her toyboy tease "out back" in t' Woolpack. What were you thinking lad? She's hardly a fine young filly. This showed the obvious perils of living in a soap village where new faces are few and far between. Frustration can lead to desperate measures.

Look at Scott for example. This week he continued to pursue dowdy Dawn, another questionable target, but all ended in tears when the mechanic took things one step too far and the new mother spurned his advances in favour of remaining loyal to husband Terry. Time for new faces

Marlon has the right idea. Lock yourself in an attic and slowly start to go mad. Saves a lot of pain in that village.



Hollyoaks
Mandy was still having trouble in coping with her step-brother, especially as Tony's getting on so well with him. Cindy has continued to rear her ugly head by attempting to sell her father's business, much to her Max's chagrin. Heartless hussy.

Ben and Izzy have continued to argue over his illegitimate child (they're all the rage these days). There must be a 'D' in the day.