All the action from this week's soaps

Ian gets shot down in flames, the Emmerdale crew head for the coast, Dev and Sunita get it together and Cameron tries to top himself.

16:40 20 August 2004

EastEnders

You know it's been a long summer in Walford when the EastEnders scriptwriters attempt to give insidious Ian a romantic interest so as to make sure that the majority of viewers are absent in experiencing the painful tribulations of his 'wooing' ways.

The chip-shop chancer invited his café manager Jane to help him decorate his house. The romance bubbled, the flirting ensued (pass the bucket) and Ian went in for the kill. Unsurprisingly the poor, poor girl rejected his putrid attempts to bed her and ran out in a hurry. Scarred for her life I'd say. Don't worry love, he has that effect on everyone, especially the viewers.

Dirty Den's frivolous ways continued this week as he managed, rather miraculously, to bed a lovely lady and gamble his way out of a thousand pounds, much to the delight of mean baddie Andy. Baddie-turned-sensitive-caring-goodie Dennis expressed concern about his ageing pop but Den was more concerned with enlisting Pat to reek revenge on bookie and dodgy geezer Andy. So let me get this straight, Den is meant to be a bit of a lothario and Andy is the evil gangster? No, there's something definitely wrong here.

Will someone please tell the farcical Ferreiras to rid themselves of their ridiculous facial hair. They look like cartoon characters. They'll never manage to attract the affections of the delightful Sasha if they've got Velcro stuck to their faces.

Emmerdale

Some of the residents took a summer sojourn to sunny Scarborough this week as affairs of the heart swept through the village. Nagging nauseous Nicola (whose mouth is going to gobble up most of North Yorkshire if she doesn't shut it) went in pursuit of her lost love and all-round-bubbly-fat-bloke-fisherman in an attempt to rekindle their unlikely romance.

As her big gob arrived in the seaside town a good couple of hours before she did, it was no surprise that the fishy one was unconvinced by her advances, unimpressed by the avalanche of whingeing verbal diarrhoea spouting from The Gob. Eventually, the pair were reunited over a fishing line and a dashing piece of cod and romance was restored. Do you The Great-Gob take thee The Fishy-Fat-But-Bubbly-Nice One to be your lawful wedded husband?

Meanwhile, as crooning smoothie Rodders and ex-wife dapper Diane reminisced over the good old days at a funeral in Scarbs, vivacious-sister-and-village-bike Val raised suspicions over their friendship and persuaded the rather simple Jack to set off and find the dastardly duo.

A punch and pinch later, followed by some sticks and stones, Rodders revealed that Diane had cancer to the stunned pair. Reeling, they chased after the landlady, who escaped via a cable car. Convenient that. She does it in style. All the mod cons in these seaside towns nowadays.

Elsewhere, femme fatale (more fatal actually) Chloe succeeded in wooing Carl into her not-so-discreet boudoir, but was left gutted after confessing that he was to get back with Chas. Umm, difficult decision - the village tart or the village cart? Tricky.

Corrie

The mini-mart romance continued unabated this week as shelf-stacking Sunita and dopey Dev consummated their short relationship. In light of the checkout connoisseur's impending operation, the mini-mart entrepreneur popped the big question. No sooner had Sunny Sunita let the anaesthetic wear off than she was luring the sleazy one into bed with propositions of her own. Remarkable recovery then.

Meanwhile, gormless Gail vented her anger at Audrey in the Rovers (well, where else?) for sacking sulky teen-mum Sarah from the salon. Since the nightmare mother/daughter/wife/sister/cousin/niece/aunt from hell hasn't had a hair-cut in a good twenty years, maybe Audrey could buy her affections with a new hairdo? In fact lop the whole head off and be done with it.

Teen-bopper Katy received her A-levels this week and failed to get the grades for medical school (surprised anyone?). She proceeded to agonise over breaking the news to her grease-monkey father, assuming that he would blame old perv Martin for his daughter's failure. I blame the hair. That beehive would be enough to drive anyone to distraction. Maybe she should line up behind Gail at the salon.

Hollyoaks

The village was left in shock this week following news of Cameron's suicide attempt. Tormented by his impending A-level results and his friends' apparent disdain for him, the teen decided to end it all in a fume-filled garage. On waking up, he remained distracted and in disarray as his family and friends attempted to come to terms with his actions.

Ben settled in at the fire station, attracting the attention of another female fire-fighter. Anyone but Izzy anyone.

Elsewhere, Craig declared his undying love for an unimpressed Natalie who spurned his advances on the arrival of her erstwhile sister. Guess what she looks like then?