Round up of all the week's soap news

Shake-up at the Rovers, and fights over Les; Janine and Pat have it out; Charity reveals the truth; Ellie and Lisa get angrier

00:00 27 March 2004

Coronation Street

The week started off with a double dosing of bitchy cat-fights as Karen insisted that her trashy mother-in-law lippy Liz should move out. Tubby hubby cabbie Steve, looking older by the day, reluctantly agreed and Liz spat her venom towards her tearful and fragile daughter-in-law as she left the Street. I'm sure those highlights will be back before long wreaking revenge. Result: score draw.

Meanwhile, sassy ex-prostitute and general trailer trash Cilla returned from her hen party to find out that boyfriend lazy low-life Les had been spending time with his ex-wife following her fag-toting fire accident. The classy bird stormed round to Janice's to sort her out, and after the a raucous rumble Janice came out on top. I think someone should have reminded them that they were fighting over the one and only Les Battersby. There's a first time for everything I suppose.

There's been trouble down a 't Rovers as loopy landlord F-F-Fred got fed up with Shelley's lax running of t-pub and demoted her whilst her mucky mum brassy Bev became measly manager. This enraged a stunned Shelster who promptly threw in the tea towel and hung up her dirty ashtrays to seek solace in the arms of mum's ex and budding builder cheeky Charlie. Well, keeping it in the family is all the rage at the moment, until he dropped the bombshell that Ciaran had been yet another notch on the well-oiled bed-post of dear old Bev. More trouble at 't Rovers on its way.

Elsewhere, the heat was rising between bi-sexual teenage father-to-be Todd and gay nurse Karl as they enjoyed a drunken night together. As he returned to his serial teenage mum girlfriend Sarah, a lingering look suggested that the temperature was about to rise.



EastEnders

An eventful time has been had in the Square this week as Nat finally discovered the truth about her ex-hubby Barry's death. Shocked, appalled, disgusted and outraged, the poor mum-of-one decided to leave Walford for good, but not before filling panting Pat in on all the gory details. Meanwhile Paul, distraught and devastated, lunged for arch bitch Janine in front of yet another stunned crowd in the Vic.

Wielding her best attire, which included her trusty leopard-skin mack, she felt empowered to storm round to Janine's to have it out. The square's resident murdering, ex-hookers (there's quite a few around) continued to shout the odds until Janine dared to mention the earrings. Yes, she attacked the earrings. Reeling, Princess Pat landed a mean right hook right on the witches shocked chops. Who could blame her? No one, but no one gets away with insulting the earrings. They're close to the old gal's heart and she wasn't going to take that from that trollop.

Elsewhere blonde Shazza and dirty Dennis continued to flaunt their suspect relationship much to the chagrin of ageing stalwart Pauline. Dear old Shaz made a speech in the pub, again to another stunned crowd, but she's an old hat at it and delivered it with style and panache. She proclaimed that her and a bemused Dennis were not freaks as they weren't related. Kiss of death.

Kat struggled with her conscience as she betrayed Charlie by buying off the evil rapist Graham. In a classic tete a tete, she strode into the solicitor's looking extremely glam ensuring that nothing would get through that lippy - not even a few insults from a goading Graham. In a great scene, she taunted him over his forthcoming prison spell and turned on her stilettos, grabbed her leopard skin, and marched out. She's grooming herself to become the next Pat Evans and what a role model.

On Charlie's release, Ian let slip to yet another stunned crowd in the Vic that our Kat had paid the dirty rotten scoundrel off. Devastated, Charlie cried like a baby.



Emmerdale

It was a busy week down at the hospital as jailbird Cain and bonkers widower Marlon awaited the results of their paternity test for poor baby bastard Noah. Ex-prostitute and serial incestuous blond Charity, who likes to keep it in the family, revealed that it was indeed the deceased Chris who was the little tot's pop.

With his moaning mother banged up for his father's murder, the bub's future is looking a little bleak. Oh well, I'm sure half-sister Debbie can take him on. There's been a lack of teenage mums in the village recently and that would be sure to fill a gap in the social structure.

Talking of Debs, Ethan has been warned by Ashley to maintain a professional attitude towards her, suggesting that people in the village would start to talk. He obviously doesn't know Emmerdale very well. Discreet bunch.

Meanwhile, teenage irritant Donna found out this week that she contracted Chlamydia. An irritated irritant. Embarrassed and upset, she told randy mechanic Robert, who in turn told farmer's wife and philandering two-timer Katie. Could such an infection expose their sordid affair? What would the neighbours say?



Hollyoaks

Blonde bimbo Mandy was still finding it hard to deal with toddler Tom and left it to moaning Max to pick up the pieces after the little tyke. Arguments ensued and Mandy found it increasingly impossible to act as the surrogate mum for her mother's baby.

The tension between blonde sisters Ellie and Lisa continued to escalate following Ellie's refusal to accept that her dead hubby was in fact a serial sex attacker and murderer. Surprising that. The pressure of the situation became too much for mum Sally as she saw her son Dan fester in jail for crimes he did not commit. Will the truth out and set Dan free from the chains of injustice? Will Ellie realise the error of her ways? The tension is too much to bear.